Maybe, just maybe, and this is quite a difficult admission, perhaps a betrayal of state of mind, for someone discerning a call to ordained ministry, there is a danger that we might, as Christians, be far too ready to relate our entire lives to faith based thought, disregarding entirely secular reality.

At a macro level, this is something with which Christians themselves have argued over generations. Simply stated, how do we live biblical teaching and values in the 21st Century? Whether this relates to outdated views on contraception or celibacy within the Catholic Church, this of course before we even consider sexuality and gender in multiple ‘branches’. Simply, the traditional Church has, at times, been guilty of not doing close to enough to not only attract, but retain, its customer base. And if I appear guilty of referring to the Church in secular language, I am as charged, for God is a commercial business, as unpalatable as this may be for Christians everywhere. For as long as ecclesiastical bodies everywhere continue to be affected by monetary constraints, this will be the case.

I digress however, for my purpose in this short post is borne of theology, and not commerciality. These last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me on a personal level, ranging between anger, joy, hope, despair and confusion, and possibly several other ‘usions’ to boot. Losing one’s job is never an easy experience, even on occasions when it is beyond our control and scope, whilst any subsequent job search is never anything but challenging and hard work.

In this last few weeks, I have met managers whom I would love to work for, those whom I would not work for if you paid me in Liverpool tickets for the rest of my life, and some to whom I am just indifferent. There have been interviews which I felt went very well, others that I could not work out, and those which we would be best not to mention – this is before we get to the position for which I was turned down today because my outlook would be too mature and professional for the team that they currently have. The upshot of it all is that after a mere 2 and a half weeks, I feel as if I have been on a high speed waltzer, dizzy from the constant mood swings, and that I am STILL looking for a job, albeit with a few second interviews pending. Even for an experienced recruitment professional, it is a difficult process through which to retain a stable equilibrium of the mental variety.

What has further confused the issue for me, in no uncertain terms, is my faith. It is no secret that I am in the process of discernment at this point. In this respect, there cannot have been a more important point in my life. We have also been at the beginning of the Lenten period, one traditionally of self-denial, one during which Christ found himself in the Wilderness without food or drink for 40 days. In some regards, this brings me slightly prematurely towards the crux of my issue at this point, for on Saturday morning, I was finally able to admit that I was actually more than a little bit pissed off with God for that to which he was subjecting me – it is of course always his fault, not mine, conveniently so. A friend of mine questioned me as to whether this could be an attitude held by a Christian, one of anger and resentment, one of complaint during a time of denial? My answer was quite simple:-

“I am NOT Jesus. I am human, and I am flawed in every single way possible. Because of Jesus, I am allowed to be flawed, because he offers me salvation from my weak, feeble self. I am not capable of enduring 40 days in the wilderness without my Daily Bread, nor am I so of humbly and gracefully accepting the hardship which comes with the loss of job. So … if I want to be angry, I will be, and I really am, and God will know all about it, and will accept it.”

I am not sure how much I believed, because by Saturday afternoon, I was down on my knees in apology, and begging for help and strength of character through whatever must happen. That I did believe. The fact is that God has delivered me through everything in my life, including a long period of depression and a near fatal overdose, the death of my beloved fiancée Danielle, the divorce of my parents and many other events. Through it all, He has prevailed, and so have I in him. And through these last few weeks, that has been my mantra – God will deliver me from this evil just as he always has.

I received a passage with a famous biblical verse some days ago, and it was everything that I needed at the time:-

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Yet, right now, those words represent nothing but an empty, shallow promise from an absent God, one in whom I have placed implicit trust and prayed through every moment of these past weeks, one who continues to deliver nothing. This is where I was leading when I spoke of the tendency to relate everything in our lives to the faith journey. My moods may indirectly have fluctuated with the response to interviews, applications, bank balances and the like, but the real fluctuation in mood has been the result of my reaction to God.

I heard a very apt phrase some few days ago, which really did resonate with me, and my approach to that point:-

PRAY AS IF EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON YOU, ACT AS IF EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON GOD
Adapted and attributed to an Ignatian Paradox

It is not purely paradoxical. Faith dictates that we hand it over to God, but it goes back to adding some 21st Century reality to our practices, and the bottom line is that whilst God will guide and bless our choices, we cannot sit and do nothing in the process. Materialisation is not an option.

If this is so, how much of it is down to God, and how much to ourselves. My honest belief: it is all about God, and I am just his servant and mouthpiece. Or that was certainly what I believed until today, and something that I am sure that I will believe again, maybe tomorrow, maybe on the last day.

The truth, however, is that as I write this, I have no desire for an absent God in my life, no desire to further waste my time asking for favour of one who refuses even to acknowledge the question, let alone help in formulating an answer. The days for acting as if it all depended on God is behind us; as of now, it depends purely on me.

Psalm 77

1 I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
2 When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
3 I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.

4 You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
5 I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?

10 And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
11 But then I recall all you have done, O LORD;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

13 O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
14 You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
15 By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16 When the Red Sea saw you, O God,
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
17 The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
18 Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
19 Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
20 You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.