Anyone who has recovered from Mental Health problems, particularly depression, will relate to an advanced awareness of self, amongst many other, often positive, character traits developed during this time.
- We learn to smile again, but there are curves on the road.
This was certainly one of the qualities that I developed during my recovery and beyond, added to reassessing my priorities and embracing my passions and dreams. This does not, for a second, mean a life of chasing decadent gold in preference to bronzed reality, but that very rebalancing of priorities is about making time for yourself as well as your staple diet of work and responsibility. In many regards, despite it being post-depression for me, I forgot this very important lesson, wasting what should have been the happiest time of my life, chaining myself to a desk for corporate and financial advance, all under the guise of saving for a wedding. All of this time, my fiancée waited patiently for me to crawl through the door at some point way past the point in the evening where quality time together was an option. Begrudgingly, she accepted the method in my madness, possibly as much to do with being a spectacularly good linguist who could earn in an hour what her fiancé could in a day!
I had, at that point, become what Barbara Killinger describes as a ‘respectable addict’ – I had become everything that I despised, someone for whom work was consistently a competition, regardless of whether with myself, a colleague or competitor. It was about being the best, about being able to strut around the office … and also about saving for a wedding!
On the outside, I was deliriously happy. I had beaten depression, albeit after 2 overdoses, and had forged a successful career. During that 10 years or so deep in the dominion of Hades and having the life suffocated out of me by depression, self-respect was as far distant as anything you could imagine. Now however, I not only had self-respect, but that of my peers, and it was priceless. In hindsight, I genuinely thought I was happy – and to all intents and purposes, I was. The career aspect was a mere drop in the ocean compared to the happiness that came with being engaged to and planning a future with someone whom I absolutely adored.
Of course, had I known then what I know now, I would never have wasted a minute chasing things that simply did not matter. But then again, I would not be the first person to learn this lesson. It would of course change little; merely buying a few additional precious moments with her while she was alive.
Over the last 2 years, I have often said that I believe myself to be a much better person now than prior to that life changing moment. Honestly, I am not absolutely sure how much I believed it at the times when it was said. However, I now have absolutely no doubt. What I do understand is that whilst I did partially recover from depression, it was never a full recuperation but more akin to remission. Full recovery actually does require you to take those measured steps towards rebuilding yourself as an individual. Rebuilding my fragile self-confidence had not been an issue, and self-reflection was similarly comfortable. However, that rebalancing of priorities is the real secret to unlocking happiness, and was one that, as I admitted earlier, I had not grasped.
I only actually grasped this lesson, one which applies to all of us, after bereavement. I noticed it particularly when I went back into the workplace. No longer was I prepared to compromise my values or pass my every waking hour in search of my next sale. Those days were long behind me … I say that guardedly as I am still prone to working somewhat unsociable hours, albeit in a somewhat different environment, one in which my principles are not consistently questioned.
They say that clinical depression comes in the form of major depressive episodes, which is to say long stretches of relative “normalcy” punctuated by periods of severe depression. I don’t actually think that we are ever immune to this, although the gift of self-awareness allows us to recognise our triggers. I am fortunate to be able to recognise these triggers at an early point. As I write this, my most dangerous trigger is absolutely prevalent in my life – awareness does not guarantee beating it, but I have done on every small occasion since I first sought help some 6 years ago, and I have no reason to believe that this will be any different.
It would possibly explain why, even some nearly 2 and a half years on, I am feeling Danielle’s absence sharper now than at any stage, even more so than at the period leading up to what would have been our wedding last August. I have actively tried, in the last few months, to begin revisiting some of the activities and places that we once did together, albeit now alone or with friends in a different context. The perfect example of this would be going to Anfield for football; it is a bug which has returned and I am loving any minute of it. I am genuinely moving forward and looking forward to the next phase of my life but when things are a bit difficult, instinct is to turn to the safety valve, and she is no longer with us. It simply means that when my triggers do strike, as is now the case, they are all the starker for her absence.
The fact is that life is complex. It challenges us constantly, but I have said very often in recent years that it is those very challenges which allow us to grow as people, for only at these times do we look inside and realise quite the resilience of which we are capable.
In my case, I have the experiences of beating mental illness and the awareness of my own emotions on which to rely. Moreover, I have a faith in God that genuinely does not allow me to fear what lies ahead.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within us out into the world, miracles happen – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My miracle is that I am alive today after 10 years of self-loathing and 2 very genuine efforts to end my life. What I still find difficult at times to fathom is why He would spare me and take her. However, that is not my question to ask, and I can only believe in His reason.
I have made a commitment to commit my life to God, and that is the most exhilarating journey of discovery that I shall ever face. I, for one, do not know where it will lead, but I do know that it will test me in every way, much as I suspect it already is. But nothing worth doing was achieved by turning back at the first hurdle. So while I hurt, I will not cede, and whilst I cry, I will not close my eyes. After all, as Madonna said, “Who need’s the sun when the rain’s so full of life?”
If you have suffered loss, I would recommend Thriving Loss by Tabitha Jayne.
Likewise, for more information around depression, please start at Time To Change.
