Hope is possibly the most precious of all commodities, for without it, what are any of us? However, life is not totally bereft of reality, and there is occasion where the pressures of contemporary society can appear overbearing at best, and stark even in positive moments.
These are the moments that challenge us all, particularly those who have suffered with mental health issues. Hope may spring eternal, but has a habit of concealing itself from those to whom it might be of most benefit.
It begs a question of how best to encourage those around you. Hope is not something that can simply be materialised – although it may be an invisible and intangible object, it can only be sought not conjured. If someone is suffering with depression, it does not mean that they have lost their power of thought.
Herein lies one of the biggest issues that we face in dealing with depression. Too often, friends think that they are doing a favour by the approach of ‘an arm around the shoulder’ and an ‘everything will be ok’. This should not demean the kindness of those who wish to help but can lead to two reactions.
The first is that, as above, someone can suffer from depression but maintain a perfectly sound brain – Ernest Hemingway is just one name that springs to mind when linking depression and, in his case, genius. If someone recognises the fact that you are lying to them, treating them like a child almost, it can lead to a regression in terms of their already fragile self-esteem.
The other danger is that someone takes on board a hope which has no foundation, which can be equally distressing to someone who sees light at the end of a dark tunnel only to see it extinguished with the realisation that it was never there in the first place.
Much of my dissertation was based around the theory of Audiences, primarily using a model known as the Encoding-Decoding Model, pioneered by Stuart Hall. I know of only one regular visitor to this site who will recall these studies, but this model blew apart staid old theories that a message could be ‘mass-infiltrated’ upon society, arguing instead that the prior beliefs and attitudes of an audience would be critical in its deciphering.
What this did was to give cultural theory a more common denomination with psychology, and most importantly in this case, the proof that hope lies only in the eye of the beholder.
No longer can we say that it is ‘all in the mind’ and attempt to treat depression out of a book, we have to understand how the mind of the ‘patient’ is decoding all around themselves. It is complex theory from which we derive the simple concept that all of us are different.
So where does that leave us in our treatment of those suffering with depression? Well, the first thing that we do NOT do is to sit back and pretend that nothing is wrong. To the contrary, empathy is a wonderful quality in actually trying to understand the underlying factors in someone’s illness.
The other faux-pas is the ‘kid gloves approach’, which again engenders a feeling that everything is fine. If a close friend was suffering from a more visible illness, you would push them towards recovery, and depression is no different, just a touch more complex.
The most important thing that any of us can do is to encourage the person to speak, and open up. Be in absolutely no doubt that this can be a long and difficult process, so unless you are fully committed, under no circumstances should you start it.
You have to know when to cry with them, laugh with them, hold them, and on occasion berate and challenge them, but a true friend knows those occasions. There are times when your efforts will appear futile and you will feel unappreciated, but your persistence is equally important.
At all times, attempt to treat the person as normally as possible, because in a nutshell, they are. If the opportunity arises to laugh and smile, cherish it as you always would. Be mindful, however, that friendship alone cannot fix the world, and that the professionals will probably need to intervene at some point.
I have already spoken of my story on these pages. In hindsight, the best love that I had was ‘tough love’, being told that I was on my own and to go and find a solution, which I did in the shape of a counsellor.
In the months previous, my friends continually forgave or feared my erratic behaviour, when what I really needed was someone to stand up and start shaking me out of it. In my counsellor, I found someone who also refused to simply sit and listen to my tales of woe but instead on a weekly basis challenged me to do something about it.
This is all frighteningly complex because we are all different. It relates back to the encoding-decoding model, because each of us will react differently depending on our symptoms and attitudes.
For me, there are only a few set rules that must be followed, many of which I have alluded to in this piece:-
- Absolute honesty and empathy – do not give false hope
- Total commitment – it can be a long, difficult process
- Set small realistic goals for yourself and your friend
- Do not think that you can do it alone
- Do not become so consumed in helping another, that you forget yourself
“Take the first step, no more, no less, and the next will be revealed.” ~ Ken Lee
Anyone who is prepared to make this sacrifice for someone that they love, is indeed a truly special friend. Friends of this ilk are to be held in the highest esteem. It is due to the love of people like this that I found the light at the end of my tunnel at the very time when I was ready to drive into the darkness.
Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me, you only see what I choose to show there’s so much behind my smile you just don’t know. ~ Author Unknown
Never forget the gift of friendship, for it is the greatest that we can either give or receive. Only the true friend will get behind the smile.
